I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Rooting for the overdog
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask