Not all heroes wear capes…
You Might Also Like
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I put the p in pants.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark