SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
#parenting
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.