Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
🙄😏😂🤣
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter