If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
mariah carrie
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
nature’s most graceful animal