Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
wtf is a larm clock?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m literally crying
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.