[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT