“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
The “baby” on the left….
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
much to think about
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here