The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so