[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
#ParentingFacts
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Jogging
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.