I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Tastes like chicken.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days