Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
When you’re Kinky but poor
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either