I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour