Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
i was baptized in a car wash
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Taliband
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog