Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
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When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
the three branches of government
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.