I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
OH. COME. ON.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.