Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
You Might Also Like
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
lmao
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.