so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Name another movie that mislead you?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day