Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense