Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Thank you corporation very cool
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My beach vacation Google searches
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.