Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
You Might Also Like
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Now this is how you LinkedIn
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers