Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious