Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*