My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
You Might Also Like
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
🙅🏻
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
They got a point!
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me