Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!