What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My loaf of bread looks terrified
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!