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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁