[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.