to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”