One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”