Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
mechanics be like
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
😂🤣😂🤣
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.