Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Sell your car
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong