My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Optional boss fight.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP