Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I drew y’all a little something.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
*aggressively waits in line*
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.