Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”