angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
what day is it?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache