I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now