You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.