“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.