All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
You Might Also Like
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.