ok like just. call me at this point
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My what?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.