Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️