I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go