Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
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A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.