“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
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her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.