A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.