I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.