My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion