“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
You Might Also Like
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior