Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.